Why Dating the Dungeon Master Is a Bad Idea...

They usually assume you're smarter than you are...

Everyone assumes dating the DM would give you advantage on everything.

Speaking from experience, that’s not true at all. It can be rough even when they aren’t DMing for you. I told my boyfriend about the first DnD game I played…he pointed out a lot of things that we should’ve questioned in the moment, like the goblins speaking common. All of us playing realized it was odd but didn’t stop to question any of the goblins that we had fought outside of the lair. He also judged pretty harshly when I told him about our second session where there were two pre-caged goblins…who we poked with a spear until they admitted they spoke common and gave us information. And apparently I should have realized that the goblin would somehow manage to get the key we left on the ground (after following the githyanki’s lead) and be out for revenge. Which it failed miserably at, I might add. The only thing it managed to do was knock me down and fail so insanely bad at stabbing someone it was on top of that the githyanki in our party took it out in one hit.

They will ALWAYS judge your characters

“Oh, so you’re a tiefling ranger? Was rogue too on the nose for you?” Is exactly what my boyfriend told me the first time I played DnD. I told him to leave me alone cause it’s my first time playing and I didn’t want to go too far out there. He proceeded to tell me I dressed up my rogue with a bow (and he was 100% right, I definitely did).

“A Mark of Hospitality Halfling Artificer? So, you want to channel all your short girl rage today?” “I’m 5’8.” “I’m not hearing a six.” “Fine, yes. I’m channeling my rage into a halfling.”

And most recently: an Awakened Zombie Lizardfolk Necromancer that has an existential crisis every time she raises the dead because she doesn’t know the circumstances of her being brought back to life. To which, he sighed deeply and said, “Of course you would.” But otherwise, she looked good!

They will drop you into situations to get on your nerves

As a halfling artificer, he dropped me into a situation where I was entering a new country and had to present my papers to a Loxodon guard…if you don’t know, Loxodons are the elephant race that are usually around seven or eight feet tall, and this guard was on the taller end. So, my 2’11 halfling tried holding her papers up and the guard didn’t see. Naturally, we jumped and waved our paper saying, “I’m down here!” He still didn’t notice. So, I attempted the only logical thing I could’ve: I tried to sneak past the guards. Unfortunately, I’m very good at rolling very badly. I was stopped by a giant hand on my tiny shoulder. I turned to face the guard when he asked what I thought I was doing. So, I puffed up my chest and said, “I tried presenting my papers. It’s not my fault that he’s racist and won’t look down! Man’s eight feet tall, he has to look down to see ANY other race.” My boyfriend just sighed deeply, tried to hide his grin and asked, “You’re leaning into the short girl energy hard here, huh?” “I am.” “Alright. He nudges the other guard and points down. ‘The line starts down here, man.’ The first guard crouches down low and holds a hand out. ‘Papers.’” I presented my papers with a huff and he checked them before I went off on my way.

The next issue came when he had me go to a massive help desk to get directions to a bar. I asked what I saw, and he described the wooden desk with papers flying off of it. So, I assumed there wasn’t a line. I told him I wanted to climb the desk. He had me roll for it and I fell on my butt. I asked to try again and rolled better when he allowed it. When I got on top of the desk, I saw a spider-person sorting papers chaotically. I didn’t want to be rude, so I waited until he was less busy. When he finally noticed me, he gave me directions to a more ‘me-sized’ bar. It ended up being a dwarven bar. I didn’t know dwarves were bigger than I thought so my halfling ended up very sloshed after drinking a dwarven sized ale. I woke up in my room above the tavern the next morning to two crows squawking in the windowsill. Naturally, in my hungover state, I shot at them with my slingshot to shut them up…and hit one. It squawked louder; I closed the window and dove into bed before anyone could see me. The dwarven bar tender came into my room and questioned me about the bird. I, surprisingly, rolled well enough on deception that she didn’t press the issue. Which sent me off to catch the train to the center of town.

They will expect you to solve puzzles you can't

Well, I found where to catch the train. Only issue is I couldn’t find a stop or any way to signal for the train to stop to pick me up. Instead, I jumped onto the side of the train. He asked what I planned to do now. I asked if I saw a door. He said no. So, I clung to the side of the train until it stopped and people exited the train. By this point, he was greatly exasperated by me.

He was not prepared to spend the rest of the session with me attempting to figure out how to make a jewel-incrusted gear move with no idea what I was doing. He said that the gear couldn’t be moved by any conventional means. It was easily twenty minutes before we were both frustrated enough to call it quits. I still have no idea what he wanted me to do.

On the bright side, he reviews my character sheets, so I know when my builds are good!